Upstate Groups blog

How can our group gel for accountability and support?

Unfortunately, this is not automatic for groups. It takes some work to get there. Here are a few things to consider in helping your group reach a closer, more open place:

 

1.    How often is your group meeting? Groups that meet more frequently tend to gel more quickly, if they are willing. But, it’s not just the Bible study that helps this. How often do you connect with each other? The early church connected daily (Acts 2:46). That may not seem possible in this day and age. Actually, it’s more possible. Social media like Facebook and Twitter allow us to connect with people not just daily, but even hourly. Instant messages, text messages, and cell phones provide avenues for us to connect. What would it mean to you to have someone leave a message on your cell phone just to say that they are thinking about you and praying for you? These connections help groups grow closer.

 

2.    What happens outside of the group affects what happens in the group. This actually cuts both ways. If your group is made up of couples, close friends (prior to the group), or relatives, the relationships they bring into the group will affect the closeness of your group. If couples are close and open with each other, then they will be open in the group. If couples aren’t as close or open at home, but try to be open in the group, you’ll see plenty of fireworks or tears as a result. It might be wise to have couples reflect on questions together rather than openly share in the group at first.

 

On the other hand, if your group only meets together for a weekly Bible study, you are also missing out on the opportunity to gel. If your group socializes or serves together on occasion, this will help to deepen the relationships in the group. Even prayer partners getting together outside of the group meeting will help the group gel.

 

3.    The speed of the leader, the speed of the team. This is a saying I picked up for Willow Creek Community Church where Bill Hybels pastors. As the leader, your group will be as open as you are. If you freely share your own hurts, habits and hang-ups, so will the group. If you are more reserved as the leader, your group will also be more reserved as a whole. Rick Warren puts it well, when he says, “Revealing the feeling is the beginning of healing.” As you open up as the leader, your group will also open up and be drawn closer together.

 

4.    Does your group want support and accountability? It’s great to provide an opportunity for these things, but it’s not so great when it’s imposed on you. In fact, if your group members don’t willfully volunteer for accountability, it can easily turn into legalism and defeat. I would recommend offering the idea of having prayer partners for a short period of time. A pair of group members (same gender of course) would meet together a couple of times a month outside of the group meeting. They could meet in-person, by phone, or even online to pray for each other and encourage each other. If the group members like it, then they will continue. If not, it was just a short-term commitment. Once the commitment is over, they are no longer obligated to continue.

 

5.    Some groups never gel, and that’s okay. On the surface, everyone may seem to get along very well. But, once people get to know each other a little better, some may wish that they hadn’t. That’s okay. Some personalities just rub each other the wrong way. If your group has been meeting for a while and has tried all of the above, but still doesn’t seem to gel, it might be time to be honest with yourself and your group: it’s time to re-group. Not every group works. Whether you decide to break for a season, then form another group later on or just encourage the group to try other groups, it’s not right for an ill fitting group to be forced to continue.

 

My hope for you and your group is that you will grow to become a close-knit group that challenges and encourages each other. It’s not automatic, but it is worthwhile. As your group continues to get together and get involved in each others’ lives, you will begin to gel.

How do I get my members to host the group?

I am going to give you an honest answer. It’s a very direct answer, but it’s the correct answer. The answer is stop doing it for them. As long as you continue to allow your group to depend on you to host the group, you will host the group. If you give them the option, the group will always default to the easiest way: let the leader do it.

 

There are many good reasons to allow members to host the group. You know that members will take more ownership of the group with the responsibility of hosting. They will feel a better sense of belonging. There are potential leaders who need to have the experience of hosting the group. It could be their first step toward leading a group themselves. Maybe you’re just tired of vacuuming and straightening up right before the meeting. These are all legitimate reasons to let your group members host.

 

You’re the group leader. You’re not the group parent. Your members should sign up to bring the refreshments, host the group in their home, and facilitate the discussion. But, as long as you give them the option to stay at your house, eat your food, and let you do everything, they will. If you’re the parent and your 40 year old son is still living in his bedroom, there’s a problem.

 

In Exodus 18, Jethro had a conversation with Moses. He told Moses that doing everything for the people wasn’t good. Why did Jethro think that it wasn’t good? Because Moses’ wife and children left Moses’ home and were living with Jethro (Exodus 18:2-4). Moses gave his reasons for doing the work by himself: (1) I’m the only one that can do it and (2) the people like coming to me. You have to wonder how much Moses also liked doing for the people and having them come to him. Jethro gave Moses a strategy of how to lead without having to bear all of the responsibility himself. Moses delegated responsibility to other people, while overseeing the whole nation.

 

You don’t have a nation to look over, but you do have a group to lead. Leadership is not providing everything for everyone and doing everything for them. Leadership is making sure that things get done. In the process, you are actually developing new leaders.

 

So, how do you get your leaders to host? Tell them that you aren’t going to host the group in your home any more. You don’t need to tell them all of the reasons why. In fact, if you do, you’re probably just giving them excuses for why they can’t do it either. Affirm your group. Let them know that you love them. Let them know that they’re important to you. Then, let them know that you can’t host any more. Even if the reason that you can’t host anymore is that your members should, that is reason enough.

 

Once you’ve announced that you can no longer host, then ask the group where you will be meeting next week. You may permanently move the group to another member’s home or you might rotate the group to different people’s homes. Once meeting at your home is off the table, your group will figure out where else to meet.

 

It might seem easier to do things yourself, but that doesn’t mean it’s better to do it yourself.

 

Do you have a Small Group question? Contact Allen White at allen.white@brookwoodchurch.org.

 

 

Copyright © 2009 by Allen White

My small group doesn’t have enough time to talk.

Let’s start by saying, “Congratulations, you’re group is talking.” That’s a plus. But, it sounds like your group can’t get enough of a good thing. A good discussion can last anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. If you still don’t have enough time to talk, there might be several reasons:

 

1.    Your group might be too big. If your group has more than eight people, it’s no longer a “small” group. Usually when a group grows to be larger than eight, the more vocal folks take over and the less vocal folks hide. The easy solution here is to sub-group during the discussion. Now, this doesn’t mean that the evil small groups pastor is going to split up your group. I would never do that. Sub-grouping can be as simple as creating smaller circles of 3-4 people for part or all of the discussion, then coming back at the end of the study to conclude the meeting. Another effective method is to have group members discuss the question with one other person, then share their discovery with the rest of the group. In educational circles, this is known as “neighbor nudging.” Either of these methods can get your whole group talking.

 

2.    Your group might be trying to cover too much. A good group discussion doesn’t have to cover every question in the study guide. In fact, some of the best discussions might only touch on five or six questions. The strength of your discussion will be the thoughts of your group members based on the Word of God and on their life experiences. As your group gets to know each other, it won’t take as much to get them talking. Use the lesson as a tool to facilitate discussion, not a referee to rule the discussion. You’ll need to keep things on track, but that doesn’t mean covering every question in the book. You might even need a couple of meetings to complete one lesson. Or, you can just cover the gist of the lesson and move on to the next.

 

3.    Your group might be prone to chasing rabbit trails. While there is a place for catching up with each other, when it comes to the Bible discussion, the leader’s job is to keep the discussion on track. If your Bible study on the character of being a good friend leads to a discussion of the end times, you’re group is probably off track. The leader can just simply say something like “Well, that’s a whole other can of worms” or “We’ll need to save that topic for another day.” Then, move on to the next question. Discussions that meander and frequently get off topic can become frustrating to your group members. Sometimes people don’t even know how to stop the rabbit trail and get back on track. A gentle reminder from the leader and a move toward the next question does the trick.

 

4.    Your group might have a big talker. If someone is dominating the discussion or is answering every question, the leader needs to step in for the sake of the whole group. If after the first couple of meetings you notice that someone is taking over the group, you might say something like, “On this next question, let’s hear from someone who hasn’t shared yet today.” If your big talker still doesn’t get it, then for the next question, intentionally avoid eye contact with the talker. This might discourage them from chiming in. If all else fails, sit next to the big talker at the next meeting. When they start to response again, reach over and tap them on the leg. This will cause them to pause long enough for someone else to answer.

 

If they still don’t get it, then talk to them after the meeting. Ask them to help you draw out some of the quieter members of the group. You might say something like, “Have you noticed that several people in the group haven’t shared much in the group? How do you think we can help them contribute?”

 

My guess is that your big talker is probably a leader, and with a little bit of direction, they could lead their own group before you know it. If a few of your members go along with this new leader, then your group may have solved the “not enough time to talk” issue.

 

5.    Your group might not be spending any time together outside of the group meeting. What happens outside of the meeting will greatly influence what happens in the meeting. Service projects, block parties, prayer partner meetings or even a cup of coffee between members will help your group become better connected. This will provide a less formal opportunity for conversation and relationship. These “meetings between the meetings” offer some needed relationship building so that everything doesn’t have to happen during the small group meeting.

 

There is an art and science to group discussion. Leaders should avoid legalistic rules of discussion, but should also avoid the extreme of “anything goes.” Finding the right balance for your group is something that needs to be fine tuned weekly. Sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and to your group members will go a long way in directing your discussions.

Why I'm attending GroupLife 2009 at Brookwood Church

For tickets, go to: www.brookwoodchurch.org/smallgroups

Will New Members Stick in Existing Groups?

Most small groups start around a study, but they stay together for the relationships. If the members didn’t like each other, then either they would leave the group, the group would stop meeting, or they would just assume that it was more Christ-like to suffer in a bad group. The bottom line is that even if a study gets people together, the study usually doesn’t keep people together if they don’t like each other. So, what does this have to do with adding new members?

 

Well, your group has stayed together because you like each other so much. You’ve become like family. There are inside jokes and stories that go way back in the group’s history. The group has celebrated victories and has stood together through tough times. This is all good. This is how small groups are supposed to be. But, then a new person shows up.

 

A new person coming into an existing group causes a lot of weirdness for everybody. It’s not that the group members are unfriendly. In fact, they are very friendly. That’s how the group got started and kept going in the first place. But, like it or not, the new person is an outsider, and they feel like one too. So, can you add new members to existing groups? It’s beginning to sound like it’s not possible.

 

It is possible, but it takes some hard work. You have to intentionally include the new members in the group’s history. When someone refers to an inside joke, you have to take time to explain the joke to the new folks. If someone says, “Hey Tom, did you bring the brownies?” Then everyone laughs. Someone needs to tell the story of when Tom grabbed a pan of brownies on the way out of the house, only to find out later that the brownies weren’t for the group. They were for his daughter’s class the next day. The group had double brownies. Tom had double trouble when he got home. This may sound a little awkward, but it’s necessary. Until the new members understand the group’s history, they won’t feel like genuine members of the group. Before you know it, the new members will be kidding Tom about the brownies too.

 

If your group finds that new members just don’t stick with the group, you might have to take more drastic measures to keep the members. We had a great group of couples at our church in California. They started out with five or six couples, but over time, the group became three couples. That happens to every group. They would invite and invite new members, but none of the new members would stay. There was too much history. So, we made a big change.

 

For one 6-week study, we asked the two existing couples to step out of the group and do the study on their own. The leaders then filled up the “new” group with new couples. After the study was over, the original members rejoined the group. The group stayed together.

 

It’s important to include new members in groups. If we don’t, groups won’t last. But, beyond that, Jesus’ heart was to include people who were excluded by others. He ate with tax collectors and sinners. Who has God brought into your path lately? Why not invite them to your group?

We're in the Top 100 Largest Churches

Hey Folks,

I just wanted to let you know that Brookwood Church is #78 in Outreach Magazine's Top 100 Largest Churches in the United States. That's pretty good considering that there are about 400,000 churches in the U.S. So, a big shout out to Perry Duggar, our founding pastor. We've come a long way from 75 folks back in 1993.

Another interesting fact from this Top 100 is that four of the Top 100 churches have a presence in Greenville, SC: Redemption World Outreach (#30), Seacoast Church (#36) and NewSpring Church (#44). South Carolina had more Top 100 Largest Churches than 45 other states. Only California, Texas, Georgia and Florida had more churches on the list. The other South Carolina church is Brookland Baptist Church in West Columbia (#77).

So, why is this important? In the grand scheme of things, this is not a very big deal. In fact, if being on a list like this makes us prideful, well, then we'd be better off without a list.

To me the significance is that 16 years ago, a humble guy named Perry Duggar moved his wife and young daughters to Greenville to start a church where anyone would feel welcomed and accepted. Brookwood was built on the five biblical purposes (Worship, Connect, Grow, Reach and Serve), contemporary music, small groups and relevant messages. The church focused on spiritual AND emotional growth. What has transpired is a lot of people who were rejected from other places found acceptance and healing at Brookwood Church. That puts Brookwood at #1 on my list.

Allen White

If you don't have a copy of Perry's book, The Story, you can pick up a copy at the Brookwood Bookstore: brookwoodchurch.org/bookstore or order online from Barnes & Noble: http://tinyurl.com/lmyc9u

People Sign Up, but They Don’t Show Up to Group

People have good intentions. They get excited about groups. They sign up, but you never see them. This has happened in every group that I’ve been a part of. Here are some reasons for this phenomena:

1.    People resist what they want the most. People want community and connectedness. It’s a nice thought. But, the practical working out of connecting with others can be intimidating or even frightening. This hiding goes all of the way back to the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:8). We’ve been hiding ever since. That doesn’t mean that hiding is right. It’s certainly not good for us. Now, keep your fig leaf on, there are some other reasons too.

2.    Everyone needs to feel like they belong. If they sign up and don’t show up, it’s not because they are uncommitted. It’s not because you’re a poor leader (you’re not). People worry if others will accept them or reject them. For some, they would rather avoid the group than risk the rejection. They want community, but not at the expense of possible rejection, so they skip out. The fear is rejection, but the need is belonging. This is where we have to go the extra mile as leaders and help people feel welcome and included in our groups. There’s a reason they signed up on your list. God has given them to you. We must put ourselves aside and make the phone calls and send the emails, even when the response is minimal. We’re not badgering them. By signing up, they’ve given us permission to get involved in their lives. It’s just checking in and letting them know that we’re thinking about them.

3.    Some people sign up but they didn’t consult their calendar, their spouse, their kids’ schedules, etc. They just didn’t count the costs. In the excitement of the moment, they signed up for a group, but once the “cares of this world” cropped up, they realized that they just couldn’t pull it off. That’s okay. As leaders, we need to do all of the above, but we also need to encourage them to maybe do the study on their own or get together with one other friend. Yes, we believe that groups are the best place to grow, but practically speaking, when they just can’t get there, any type of growth is good.

4.    There is something else at work here. The enemy would like to keep us separated and discouraged. He understands the powerful dynamic of the people of God interacting with the Word of God in the presence of the Spirit of God. The enemy can’t overcome that powerful force, but he can try to keep us busy and isolated. This is where prayer comes in. The Bible tells us that “Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world” (1 John 4:4). We understand that every “no show” is not the devil’s fault. But, we also understand that if the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.

There are many other reasons why people might not show up to our groups. In fact, there are probably as many reasons as there are people who signed up.

Here’s the key question: What does God want to do in your group this semester? Sometimes God works in groups of 12. Sometimes God works in groups of three. Even if you just have a few members, don’t be discouraged. God is at work in your group. He’s not surprised by the result. This is what He had planned for now.

 

 

Copyright © 2009 Allen White

How Do We Handle Childcare?

This is a question for many of our Small Groups. What do we do with our kids? Here are some possible solutions:

1. Recruit someone to do children's ministry while your group is meeting.

2. Hire a babysitter. Have each member pitch in. NOTE: Be generous to your sitter. You want them back. If you cheat them, word will spread! The rule of thumb among small groups has been at least $5 per family.

3. Allow older children to supervise younger children with adults checking in.

4. Have group members trade off in watching the children.

The options above could call for the children to meet at a different location from the group. Brookwood currently has one group with 24 adults and 26 children meeting in one home! It's possible folks!

5. Allow the children to take part in the group. Offer topics and activities where everyone can participate.

6. Have each member arrange for their own childcare.

7. Trade off childcare with another group that meets on a different night.

NOTE: The harder it is for new members to arrange childcare, the less likely they will join.

The Bible tells us that God will meet all of our needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. Pray that God will provide the right childcare solution for your group. He won't let you down!

Switching Gears...Again

Hey Folks,

Okay, I'm not changing the Upstategroups blog after all. We will still be using this blog to inform, educate and encourage Small Group leaders.

I have created another blog: http://galatians419.blogspot.com for daily encouragement from God's Word. These posts will begin on Sunday, September 20th.

So, stay right here for all of the updated information on Small Groups at Brookwood Church.

God bless,

Allen White

Format Change

Dear Group Leaders and Others,

I have used this blog as a communications tool for Small Groups at Brookwood Church over the last couple of years. It has been a challenge to get all of the Small Group leaders connected to the feed for the blog. In the meantime, I have received a great response from the folks receiving the A Life Worth Watching devotionals over the Summer.

So, effective today, Small Group information will be delivered via email rather than through the upstategroups blog. The blog will change names to become the Galatians 4:19 blog (same domain for now: upstategroups.typepad.com). The new blog will deliver daily devotionals to go along with the Brookwood Church series beginning with the Living a Balanced Life series on Sunday, September 20, 2009. If you are interested, you can subscribe either by RSS feed or by email.

God bless,

Allen White